I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
