cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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