so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You're a waste of cheezeits
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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