matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
