i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
