Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
