saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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