I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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