there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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