dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
