Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Randomize
