1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
