life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
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There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Text me some of your sweat
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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