You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You smell like stripper and shame
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
