There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
there is glitter all over my balls
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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