dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
