But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
