i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
