So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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