when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
