I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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