Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
