That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
