I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
