I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
