The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
