the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I did not marry a roomba.
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