I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
