The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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