the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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