She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
