she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
