WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
