They should really pass out barf bags in church
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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