O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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