Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
