mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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