you're like a bully in the Christmas story
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
