Everything about him screamed your future.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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