I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
