why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
