So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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