Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
