We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
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I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
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She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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