3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
