I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
