Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
