I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
