I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
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He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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