im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
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He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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