i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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