i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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