Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
