My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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