can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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