He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
