his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
