I can tuck mytits in my pants
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Randomize